I''ve been desigining and writing this action rpg for a while now. Its based in this fantasy universe (or universes) that I have been inventing. I wrote a brief history to it, and I''m looking for some constructive critisism. I wrote it in character, just because I found it easier to do it that way. I was not very detailed either. I relize that. So, enjoy the story. ------------------------------------- Back many generations ago, before you or even I existed there was only Unas. Unas was everything and it was perfect. The one original world. The Creator acknowledged it as the greatest of all creations. Unas contained infinite matter and infinite energy, but it was a single point in a sea of emptiness. Ancient teachings tell us that there were no individual entities. Everyone and everything were together. Unas was all knowing, and all powerful, and was never tempted by evil . . . until the end. Unas existed also with a free will, and freedom requires responsibility. Hatred was introduced to Unas somehow, and it did not resist. The hatred was the beginning of the separation. Unas began to fracture into separate beings. The beings fought among themselves. Unas was at a continuous war fueled my hate. If it continued, it would it would have destroyed itself. Unas, as a whole, saw this, and together good and evil broke Unas into uncountable number of finite worlds and planes. Some planes were nothing but light, or electricity perhaps. Some worlds are fiery fields of rock, and some are freezing catacombs. This, and the time to follow has come to be known as the Great Chaos. We became separated from the Creator, each other, knowledge, energy, and everything else. The perfect world that we knew is now millions of separate planes and worlds inhabited by millions of separate mortals and immortals. The single point now was hundreds of separate but interacting dimensions, and many different types of energy and mental states. Now for you to follow the rest of the story, an explanation of the terms we use is in order. I have already mentioned the worlds and planes I believe. The difference is fairly basic but is a common misunderstanding among mortals. A plane, as it is referred to, is an individual universe that contains infinite of only one type of content. A world as opposed to a plane contains many types of matter and energy. Now I have also referred to mortals and immortals. I suspect that most that would read this have some understanding of this, but I will review for ignorance sake. What we call mortals and immortals are actually two separate types of beings. Mortals like yourself are composed mostly of matter, but do require energy to survive. Immortals are quite the opposite. They are mostly energy based. They cannot, under normal circumstances, be destroyed or killed. As long as their minds remain in a healthy state, and energy is present on their plane for them to draw upon, we can always pull ourselves back together. Similar to mortals relying on energy, immortals are powerless without matter for their energy to manipulate, and inhabit. Despite the extreme power of immortals, we are not completely beyond risk. I myself am a scholar from the knowledge plane of Scientia. An immortal being consisting of infinite knowledge and a slight amount of other energies, contained in a frail material body when I am in worlds, and not in Scientia. Beings such as myself are only vulnerable to certain attacks. Attacking an immortal physical form is useless. Attacking their energy might seem logical, but it is an impossible task. An immortal cannot be destroyed, but can be imprisoned or corrupted. An immortal requires matter and energy, so one could be trapped if he was denied one or the other. The immortals'' mind is invulnerable but is not static, It can be changed, it can be tempted and it can be controlled. Those are with strong ties to Scientia are sage from this. Only if the being possesses great knowledge can he see through the lies and remain free. Immortals and mortals alike have controlled the course of the war that followed the explosion to the great chaos. Evil and good were not destroyed and the war continued. The now separated being choose sides. The immortals and mortals that were corrupted by hate sided with the powerful and most deeply corrupted immortal -- The Keeper of Hatred. The good sided behind the Metanauts, or as they are more commonly known, the Guardians. The Guardians are a powerful council of immortal beings who have vowed to protect everything that remains uncontrolled by hate. The Keeper took up his hold in the world of Silskrar, while the Guardians picked Plane-Keep as their base. Neither were randomly chosen. Both Silskrar and Plane-Keep hold very strong connections to other worlds and planes. This makes it easier to travel between worlds. So the war continued throughout the worlds. Countless mortals were killed and countless immortals'' minds were poisoned. It went on like this for many mortal generations. Sometimes the Guardians would almost win but be crushed at the last moment, and the Guardians have been pushed back only to rise up and start a new offensive. The Guardians, in their great wisdom realized this. They knew the war would never end the way it was going. They called on all the worlds that were involved in the conflict to a great council at Plane-Keep. So it is written that they devised a plan to turn the tide of the war. It was agreed upon. The fate of the worlds would lay upon a last chance assault on Silskrar. They knew that with no energy the inhabitants of Silskrar would be imprisoned for eternity. This would require thousands of mortals with a special ability called channeling, to drain the world of any power. Channeling is rare power possessed by a small amount of mortals. It is the bizarre ability to move energy through planes and worlds with their minds. This is balanced with the immortal ability of shifting. Shifting as you could guess is moving matter between worlds and planes. The mortal channelers were sought out and collected, by shifting Guardians. Many were taken against their will. Finally, a group of powerful channelers, ten thousand strong were found. They were well cared for at Plane-Keep -- in part because of the Guardians fear of them. The trap was set and the bait waited to be pushed in. All the worlds aligned against the Keeper, gathered their forces. A great assault was launched on the forced of hate. Thousands upon thousands of mortals were slaughtered on both sides. Many immortals were so corrupted that they became nothing but rouge lunatics. The Guardians'' refusal to forfeit finally prevailed. The Guardians and their allies pushed their way into Silskrar. In the final hour, as the battle rages on Silskrar, the army of channelers that had been collected was brought to Ilskrar -- a small border world of Silskrar. They called upon their power to drain Silskrar of all the energy. This was no small accomplishment. The negative channel of an entire world has barely been dreamed of. Despite all odds they succeeded. Silskrar is now a void world. The Keeper and all the Guardians hold him there are trapped for ever. The survivors rejoiced for their new found freedom, and mourned the loss of so many brave beings. The Keeper was stopped but evil still temps the weak. Those who are old enough -- like me -- still tell the story. As for these days . . . that is a happier story. Plane-Keep still endures. It is now the center of all cross-world relations. The guardians remain, always watching in of evil being revived. Most worlds now have forgotten their past. They keep to their own affairs. Quite a lot of them are unaware of the Guardians'' constant watch. Al in all it is a time of peace. ------------------------------------- Thats about it. The actualy story of the game takes place in Everent. Its is a relaticely peaceful worlds that remained unaware of the whole conflict. It is nothing but a large city, made of stone that stretches into the sky. There is nothing past the city walls. The plot is, that a mircaulously powerful boy, accidenetaly channels hatred, and becomes the pawn of the Keeper, and begins to corrupt Everent. The ''hero'' is washed up theif that is given the power to see the corruption of the world while all the others do not relize what is going on. So he is forced into being their savior. ----------------------------------- So that is the (very) basic overview. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. PHRICTION

A very interesting concept. One suggestion:

"Everyone and everything were together. Unas was all knowing, and all powerful, and was never tempted by evil . . . until the end. Unas existed also with a free will, and freedom requires responsibility. Hatred was introduced to Unas somehow, and it did not resist."

This is a bit weak. How about something along the lines that the eons of solitude warped Unas''s mind and his perceptions changed. So hatred was introduced .....

I might also put the bit about mortals and immortals at the start before going into the story proper. Where it is now breaks the flow of what you are saying. How about introducing the scholar and have him explain the world and its beings and then go into the history?

Hope this helps

Okay. Thanks Crydee and Sage for reading this.

quote: Original post by Crydee
...
Where it is now breaks the flow of what you are saying.

I think you are right. It does seem a bit awkward.

quote: Original post by Sage13
I think the "Kabalyon" may...

Kabalyon? I havent heard of it. Apparently niether has google.
Could you explain?

PHRICTION

I think what sage is referring to is the Kabbalah (many variant spellings exist, but I confirmed that this spelling will get results on google). This is a really, really, really broad topic though. Parts of it deal with the origin and make up of god and existence, which sounds somewhat topical.

I would suggest trying to keep it from getting too much larger, if your game is going to be fairly action oriented. Or find a way to divide it into small chunks (as the player learns more of the history).