🎉 Celebrating 25 Years of GameDev.net! 🎉
Not many can claim 25 years on the Internet! Join us in celebrating this milestone. Learn more about our history, and thank you for being a part of our community!
Stories and games are my talents; a video game you will like
This story seems better, but your writing is lacking in substance and accuracy.(He looks toward the moon and gets really tensed.)?
Ignoring the cliches for a moment, I still don''t understand what these stories are for.
Are they background stories to an FPS (like the first cutscene that you get to introduce the monsters before you slaughter them)? In which case, I think they''re fine. A bit too much cliche for my taste, but if it''s for an FPS cliche doesn''t matter - I''d only play it for the death and destruction anyway.
Are they meant to be stories for an RPG? If they are, then unfortunately, they''re way too short, and not original enough (although the second one is a bit more original than the first). If you want to make an RPG from them, then fine, but you''re going to have to spend a heck of a lot of time expanding them.
Are they just stories - nothing to do with games? In which case they''re an ok start if you like that style of writing. But they aren''t stories, they''re just a really short introduction.
I''m sorry if this sounds harsh, but they really aren''t stories. Just as a game isn''t just eye-candy, a story isn''t just a few descriptive sentences. But if you expand them, and actually tell us (for example) what the guy with the sword does with his new-found power, then we might be interested.
John B
Are they background stories to an FPS (like the first cutscene that you get to introduce the monsters before you slaughter them)? In which case, I think they''re fine. A bit too much cliche for my taste, but if it''s for an FPS cliche doesn''t matter - I''d only play it for the death and destruction anyway.
Are they meant to be stories for an RPG? If they are, then unfortunately, they''re way too short, and not original enough (although the second one is a bit more original than the first). If you want to make an RPG from them, then fine, but you''re going to have to spend a heck of a lot of time expanding them.
Are they just stories - nothing to do with games? In which case they''re an ok start if you like that style of writing. But they aren''t stories, they''re just a really short introduction.
I''m sorry if this sounds harsh, but they really aren''t stories. Just as a game isn''t just eye-candy, a story isn''t just a few descriptive sentences. But if you expand them, and actually tell us (for example) what the guy with the sword does with his new-found power, then we might be interested.
John B
Let me try my hand at this. This is fun.
On a really weird and stormy night on the ocean, a sailing vessel tossed about like a toy on the waves. I guy was running about on the deck when lightning struck, killing him. So, another guy started running about on the deck and he got tossed overboard. He drifted about, and in the morning found himself on the shore of an island. He climbed the mountain in the center of the island to a hanging valley where there was a lake. The weird electrical storm returns, and he must find shelter. He sees a shack on an island in the middle of the lake and swims there. In the shack is a sword with an upside down ''N'' on it. He grabs the sword, runs outside and lightning strikes the tip of the sword, filling him with energy.
What do you think?
On a really weird and stormy night on the ocean, a sailing vessel tossed about like a toy on the waves. I guy was running about on the deck when lightning struck, killing him. So, another guy started running about on the deck and he got tossed overboard. He drifted about, and in the morning found himself on the shore of an island. He climbed the mountain in the center of the island to a hanging valley where there was a lake. The weird electrical storm returns, and he must find shelter. He sees a shack on an island in the middle of the lake and swims there. In the shack is a sword with an upside down ''N'' on it. He grabs the sword, runs outside and lightning strikes the tip of the sword, filling him with energy.
What do you think?
So was this knight born of the lightning? OR is he there to stop it, if he''s stopping it seems like he should have a different element then lightning. Or not. A lost of games try to fight one element with another, but I''ve always wondered about that. If your talking aobut magical energy, maybe a counter spell on the same "magical wave length" would be what stops it, if it''s on a different wave length it just passes through. Just a thuoght.
I really hope you don't take this offensively, but I think I need to be a little critical here..
Horrible beginning to a story! Never use the "it was a dark, stormy, night" routine, unless you do it vividly. That first sentence is something I'd expect for a children's story. Also.. never, ever, use the word "etc." in a piece like this. "Etc." should only be used in notes to personal notes or letters, or reminders, etc . See what I mean?
Don't..use.."anyway".
Energy advice? What?
Sorry, but this entire segment is far too rushed, and far too corny. A big super lightning beam shoots out of a lake and zaps the woods? Come on.
Who is everyone? The two scientists? Be more specific! Where did everyone come from? You said the woods were outside of town.
Blargh. This sounds like middle school writing! Don't use such an informal and slang phrase like "a guy in".
Sorry for being too harsh, but I want my point to get across!
Here's my revamped version of your story..
It seemed to have come from nowhere. No warnings, no indications of any kind. Amidst the quiet, secluded town of Cratoa, a storm spawned, churning with such ferocity, it shook houses and shattered windows. A storm of this intensity was foreign to this small town; never had the villagers encountered such a terrible force. The thunder was deafening.
On the outskirts of Cratoa, at the highest point, two meteorologists worked diligently in their laboratory, studying the weather patterns of other regions to discover the roots of this storm. They found none. What they did find was an explosion of fierce energy, emitting from the woods bordering the town. Determined to find some answers, the duo drive out, deep in to the forest, aiming for the energy reading on their beacon. The reading grows stronger and stronger, until they find themselves staring upon a lake.
To the surpise of the men, suddenly, all went silent. They look around, bewildered that the storm had simply vanished into the sky. But one of the men turns his sights toward the center of the lake. He sees the water boiling.. hissing..bubbling, to a gradual frenzy.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. The water burst, thousands of feet into the air, scoldering hot and burning the trees! A blinding flash of light breaks through the depths of the water, lighting up the night sky. The men fall backward, blasted by the powerful shockwave of the eruption. They look into the light, stare at it, and from the heart of the flash, they see a figure begin to materialize. Astonished, they look on. The figure begins to take shape, almost as though the light itself were giving birth to it.
The figure develops into the resemblance of a human. The light fades, and the water settles. The dark shades of night come back slowly.
Left in the wake of the flash, is an entity made of brilliant hues of silver and navy. The two men, now pale faced and open-jawed, wonder what man could possibly have survived that burning light.
The man reaches behind him, and with a sharp, piercing sound, he unsheathes a pure translucent sword, radiating with a light similar to the beam before. He looks into the sky... and raises his sword..
----
Whew. Ok, mine is a lot longer. Probably too long? But you get the idea! Pay more attention to detail! Flavor your sentences!
Btw: I noticed I jumped back and forth between past and present tense; sorry, but its hard to write this in the little forum box
[edited by - munkie on June 22, 2002 2:36:36 PM]
quote: Original post by Zido
On a wierd thundering night, the electricity in a small town starts acting up. Lights flicking on and off, applicances not acting properly, etc.
Horrible beginning to a story! Never use the "it was a dark, stormy, night" routine, unless you do it vividly. That first sentence is something I'd expect for a children's story. Also.. never, ever, use the word "etc." in a piece like this. "Etc." should only be used in notes to personal notes or letters, or reminders, etc . See what I mean?
quote: Anyway, two scientists can`t understand why there is so much electricity in the air.
Don't..use.."anyway".
quote: Their energy advice
Energy advice? What?
quote: Their device breaks all of a sudden and everything goes still. After a big silence, a big lightning beam comes up out the lake into the sky. The beam releases alot of lightning bolts onto the woods causing a big fire. During the comotion, a small spark shoots toward the town from atop the beam.
Sorry, but this entire segment is far too rushed, and far too corny. A big super lightning beam shoots out of a lake and zaps the woods? Come on.
quote: Whike everyone is screaming for their lives
Who is everyone? The two scientists? Be more specific! Where did everyone come from? You said the woods were outside of town.
quote: a guy in silver and blue-violet armor with a nocturnal-like eye band appears.
Blargh. This sounds like middle school writing! Don't use such an informal and slang phrase like "a guy in".
Sorry for being too harsh, but I want my point to get across!
Here's my revamped version of your story..
It seemed to have come from nowhere. No warnings, no indications of any kind. Amidst the quiet, secluded town of Cratoa, a storm spawned, churning with such ferocity, it shook houses and shattered windows. A storm of this intensity was foreign to this small town; never had the villagers encountered such a terrible force. The thunder was deafening.
On the outskirts of Cratoa, at the highest point, two meteorologists worked diligently in their laboratory, studying the weather patterns of other regions to discover the roots of this storm. They found none. What they did find was an explosion of fierce energy, emitting from the woods bordering the town. Determined to find some answers, the duo drive out, deep in to the forest, aiming for the energy reading on their beacon. The reading grows stronger and stronger, until they find themselves staring upon a lake.
To the surpise of the men, suddenly, all went silent. They look around, bewildered that the storm had simply vanished into the sky. But one of the men turns his sights toward the center of the lake. He sees the water boiling.. hissing..bubbling, to a gradual frenzy.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. The water burst, thousands of feet into the air, scoldering hot and burning the trees! A blinding flash of light breaks through the depths of the water, lighting up the night sky. The men fall backward, blasted by the powerful shockwave of the eruption. They look into the light, stare at it, and from the heart of the flash, they see a figure begin to materialize. Astonished, they look on. The figure begins to take shape, almost as though the light itself were giving birth to it.
The figure develops into the resemblance of a human. The light fades, and the water settles. The dark shades of night come back slowly.
Left in the wake of the flash, is an entity made of brilliant hues of silver and navy. The two men, now pale faced and open-jawed, wonder what man could possibly have survived that burning light.
The man reaches behind him, and with a sharp, piercing sound, he unsheathes a pure translucent sword, radiating with a light similar to the beam before. He looks into the sky... and raises his sword..
----
Whew. Ok, mine is a lot longer. Probably too long? But you get the idea! Pay more attention to detail! Flavor your sentences!
Btw: I noticed I jumped back and forth between past and present tense; sorry, but its hard to write this in the little forum box
[edited by - munkie on June 22, 2002 2:36:36 PM]
quote: Original post by munkie
the duo drive out...
Pair is better. Duo sounds like a superhero team.
quote: Original post by munkie
is an entity made of brilliant hues of silver and navy.
... cast from brilliant hues... sounds better.
quote: Original post by munkie
The man reaches behind him, and with a sharp, piercing sound
The human form reaches behind him... We haven''t established that he is a man yet.
I must say, you have potential. Creating stories is more complicated than one may think. You have a good root plot, so build on it. And try not to make everything "dark". What i mean is we already have games like Diablo, Warcraft, Resident Evil, etc. Those games all deal with some kind of dark force presiding over the world, which it will eventually take over unless some hero stops it. Don''t Do This! Of course, a plot needs some bad guy, but don''t make the whole story focus on just the bad guy. (Last time I checked, Diablo is about a fight between angels and demons... I only see one angel, but a whole lotta demons! doh!)
It''s really hard to come up with new ideas now-a-days. But remember, even though some elements of your story might be cliche, it''s still YOUR story. And every story is different. Just remember to never give up. Good luck!
It''s really hard to come up with new ideas now-a-days. But remember, even though some elements of your story might be cliche, it''s still YOUR story. And every story is different. Just remember to never give up. Good luck!
This topic is closed to new replies.
Advertisement
Popular Topics
Advertisement